San Francisco: Her Imperial Highness, The Princess Melita Bonaparte, did of her own free will proclaim during the Annual Christmas Tree Lighting Ceremony that all people shall willingly & joyfully work a 10-hour shift next Thanksgiving Day, 12 hours on 25 December 2013–and 14 hours for New Years Day–without any form of compensation. She will, of course, work but it will be to collect extremely heavy fines for those who are not willingly & joyfully working for free. Anyone who is paid for work during these former holidays, will turn said monies over to her “Princess Melita Bonaparte Jewelry Fund.” She expects this to be passed by overwhelming majorities in both Senate & Congress in an Extra-ordinary Session. Only her Birthday will be exempt from taxes. Compulsory celebration of this event, with potlucks, which will be taxed, will be for the restoration of Tatoi Palace, the Grey Gardens of Greece.
She expects to reclaim the Greek Throne at the earliest date possible, and from there, all the rest of Europe’s thrones will be willing given to her by the grateful citizens of her vast & loyal group of international subjects. Once she has completed the Gift of Constantine Thrones, the rest of the world will be obligated to accept her benevolent rule.
She wishes to rule by total & abject devotion–to her. All things must be about her, and nothing else must matter. Her moods will govern how you should feel, not any of the circumstances of your life. “The democratic process is just too complicated, my way is easier & far less expensive All classes will be eliminated, as I will be the ONLY being with money. Obamacare, will get a new computer system–all easily funded by my sense of noblesse oblige. No one will need to read any more ‘how-to’ books, my emotional intelligence will be enough for everyone & I will fix all the problems by having temper tantrums. I have been blessed with a wonderful role model,” the Princess confessed. “I wish I could say that I thought this up all by myself, but I just observed reality and decided to go with this. Why re-invent a bad wheel?”
“There will be new contests of loyalty. The Most Loyal will get wonderful stickers & personally autographed Letters of Reference, and many other brownie points for their resumes,” the Princess has informed us.
“Turning the world upside down is my goal. It was so boring the other way around.”